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Today, let's have a conversation about the wounds of attachment, as well as the various attachment problems and how to recover from them. To begin, and as is customary, I would want to make it clear that I am not a mental health expert; rather, I am a Master Life Coach. The material presented on this website is not intended to be used for medical therapy but rather for the sake of education and amusement. Always make an appointment with a mental health specialist if you are experiencing depression, anxiety, or severe post-traumatic stress disorder. In addition, maintain a network of supportive friends who are there for you whenever you need assistance. If you think you may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), there is a post on this website that provides some background information on the condition as well as resources for obtaining assistance.
This article is for you if you recognize any of these symptoms of unhealed attachment wounds. Some individuals don't think such things are signs of trauma. But if you have any of these problems, it suggests that your attachment system is being activated, and that you may have unresolved attachment wounds. I understand how daunting it can be to broach the subject of your unmet needs as a child, but what if doing so could set you free? The independence to pursue a lifestyle that brings you happiness, health, and rewarding relationships. I'm here to help you on your path to recovery if you're ready to take that first step.
If you have relationship anxiety. This can go either way: if you feel close to the other person, your anxiety will increase, or if you don't feel close to them, your anxiety will increase. Feelings of panic might result from this as well. One might say, "I need to get some space...I feel like this person is suffocating me," while the other might insist, "I need to talk to that person NOW!" I have to know they're interested in spending time with me. You might be glued to your phone while waiting for a reply.
You're stuck in the fear and avoidance cycle. Either you're the one who initiates contact and the other person is the one who pulls away. You believe that if you work on yourself, the partnership will improve. Just the opposite is true. You and your spouse need to go to couples therapy or find someone more stable to be with. There are attachment wounds on both sides of the relationship, and you cannot heal them alone.
Most of your connections with other people aren't satisfying. You worry that they will reject you or depart even though they are continuously there.
You tend to have a lot of critical thoughts about yourself while you're in a relationship. Your inner monologue is constantly reminding you that you aren't worthy of happy, fulfilling relationships. Sometimes you give yourself excuses for the way others treat you. You must take the blame for this.
You have trouble trusting others, which brings us to point number five. You have a really tough time putting your faith in other people. You have doubts about someone whose intentions you know to be good despite your extensive relationship with them.
You have too much faith in people. You choose to disregard your intuition when it tells you something is off or someone is unreliable. Sometimes your every instinct tells you to run away, but instead you go straight towards the threat.
You have a track record of getting into toxic relationships. This could mean always keeping some distance between yourself and others, even when you feel a strong connection to them. You may be worried that you are suffering from what is commonly referred to as a "love addiction" or "sex addiction." Ignoring people altogether is another option.
You have a fixed view of your family, either that they are perfect or that they have completely let you down.
You've been injured in many ways by the people who were meant to love you. This may take the form of overt maltreatment or the more subtle one of caregivers not being present when needed.
You either try not to remember the difficult times you had growing up with your parents or you can't stop thinking about them.
In this section, we will define attachment. In this section, I will define the terms "attachment issues" and "attachment disorder," two terms that are sometimes used interchangeably, and explain the differences between the two.
How would you describe the feeling of being attached to someone or something? Attachment is defined as "a sense of fondness for an institution or a person," while "fond regard" is defined as "a feeling of affection for an institution or a person," by the dictionary. “What Does Attachment Mean?”) In other terms, it refers to a strong connection to, or compassion for, someone or something.
Now, I will provide a quick summary of each of the various attachments; Attachment disorders are mental health conditions that make it challenging for individuals to build and maintain healthy connections with others. A person's disposition or actions may change as a result of this disorder. Bonding issues are a common symptom of these disorders, and they frequently appear in infancy.
Despite the fact that this is not a recognized medical diagnosis, people use the phrase "attachment wounds" to refer to an insecure attachment style in adults. This is done even though the term "attachment issues" does not exist. People who have attachment patterns that are marked by insecurity may exhibit avoidance or ambivalence in relationships, in addition to behaving in ways that are chaotic or inconsistent. These characteristics may be seen in both romantic and platonic connections. (“What Does It Mean When a Child Has an Attachment Disorder?”)
Those who struggled to build secure bonds as children sometimes had similar challenges in their adult relationships without recognizing it. Maybe we haven't found the best partners for ourselves because our early attachment models trained us to be insecure and apathetic about who we are. To recreate the safe and secure emotional environment of our youth, we frequently choose people with whom we may replicate interpersonal patterns from our past, or we mislead or irritate them. Instead, we might reenact familiar patterns in our relationships.
Examining the various attachment styles might help us better understand our own proclivities. For instance, we could have evolved avoidant attachment styles if our main caregiver was emotionally unavailable and unresponsive to our efforts to express our needs. It's likely that we have a bias towards persons who are in touch with their needs, that those who express their demands are looked down upon, and that we feel guilty when we give in to our desires. One's tendency toward pseudo-independence and emotional isolation increases if avoidant or dismissive attachment styles serve as a coping technique. It's easy to disregard our partner's demands while also being unable to commit to or accept closeness in our own relationships.
But, if we had a parent who was inconsistent in addressing our needs, we are more prone to develop anxious attachment styles. Sometimes this kind of parent would be attentive to our needs, but other times they would behave emotionally hungry toward us out of their own needs. We learned to express our feelings loudly, to cling to our parents, and to weep and shout to get their attention as children, but this did nothing to fill the void we felt within. It's conceivable that as adults, we've developed an attachment style that leaves us feeling anxious, apprehensive, untrustworthy, and/or reactive in our relationships with other people. Each of these examples demonstrates how the coping mechanisms we developed as kids may end up hurting or limiting us as adults, both in terms of our social interactions and the way we feel about ourselves.
An article written by Lisa Firestone, Ph.D. and published on the website of Psychology Today recommended that I read a book called Mindsight. The book's author is Dr. Daniel Siegel, and it was mentioned in the article. In the article, Dr. Firestone identifies three factors that can assist you in mending your attachments. As I am always trying to teach myself new things, I recently finished reading this book. I can't stress how important it is for you to read it enough; the book and the article both include a lot of useful information about this subject.
Before I go into the specifics of these three actions that you can do to assist you in repairing this connection, I want to first discuss a statement from the book Mindsight that really caught my attention and then move on to the specifics of these three actions that you can do to assist you in repairing this connection. Dr. Daniel Siegel characterized this as converting "I AM SAD" to "I FEEL SAD" while speaking to oneself. This may be done by changing the manner you talk to yourself as well as what you say. As I have always said, the manner in which we express ourselves and the manner in which we recognize the feelings that we are experiencing will enable us to redirect our thinking and will prevent our expression from putting us down. According to Dr. Daniel Siegel, it takes self-awareness to know when to say "I am sad" and when to say "I feel sad." These two phrases can seem like they are quite similar to one another, yet there is really quite a distance between them. To describe oneself just by the emotion they experience is a highly reductionist approach. The ability to say "I feel sad" implies awareness and acceptance of an emotion without giving in to it. Focus, an element of mindsight, enables us to recognize our inner states, accept them, and, in doing so, release them so that we can alter them.
Healing Attachments Strategies:
In her article Healing from Attachment Problems, Lisa Firestone, Ph.D. suggests the following three strategies for mending broken attachments:
Creating a reasonable Narrative
She began by pointing out that it is essential that you develop a logical story, during which she discussed the book Mindsight written by Dr. Daniel Siegel. According to Daniel Siegel, whose book Mindsight discusses the topic at length, "the strongest predictor of a child's security of attachment is not what occurred to his parents as children, but rather how his parents made meaning of their childhood events." "How his parents made sense of those early events is the strongest predictor of his secure connection as an adult." So, Siegel argues, we need to be prepared to develop what he calls a "coherent narrative" of our experiences if we are to recover our attachment ability and establish better inner security as adults. Taking this action is the first step in accomplishing our aims. (“Healing From Attachment Issues”)
Try to choose a partner with a healthy attachment type.
One further way to improve the security we feel in adult relationships is to form lasting connections with people who have a more secure attachment type than we do. When we build a solid connection with someone who has a healthy attachment pattern, we feel safer inside ourselves because we are actively experiencing a new model for how partnerships may operate. This is because gaining this freedom is essential to our personal growth.
Get in Touch with a Counselor
A third approach that might be very helpful in forging a lasting connection is therapy. One advantage of a good therapeutic relationship is the opportunity to feel more at ease opening up to one's therapist. The ability to have a life-changing emotional encounter with someone who can be a stable anchor and help us feel and make sense of our past is a priceless gift. Having a stable person at our side while we process our emotions and piece together our history is a priceless gift.
I invite you to join my Life Coaching program if you're ready to start making positive changes in your life. We'll talk about things like forgiveness, happiness, empowerment, and more, all of which may play a role in helping you reframe your life and find your true calling. Don't be shy; Way of the Wise Owl is a non-profit organization, and your consultation with us will cost you nothing. Let's cross our fingers and hope for a speedy response.
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Resources:
“What Does Attachment Mean?” What Does Attachment Mean?, www.definitions.net/definition/attachment.
“What Does It Mean When a Child Has an Attachment Disorder?” Verywell Mind, 14 Nov. 2022, www.verywellmind.com/what-is-an-attachment-disorder-4580038.
“Healing From Attachment Issues.” Psychology Today, 1 Mar. 2023, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201802/healing-attachment-issues.
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